What Gay Men Get Wrong About Counselling: 10 Myths
"I almost didn't book because I didn't think my problem was serious enough."
The interesting thing is that this sentence is rarely followed by a small problem.
The man sitting across from me may have spent months feeling lonely. He may be struggling in a relationship. He may be questioning his sexuality, navigating a major life transition, or carrying years of self-doubt and shame.
Yet many gay and queer men minimise what they are going through.
They tell themselves they should be coping better.
They tell themselves other people have it worse.
They tell themselves they'll reach out later.
Then later becomes six months. Or a year. Or longer.
By the time many men arrive in counselling, they often say the same thing:
"I wish I'd done this sooner."
Over the years, I've heard a number of myths that stop gay and queer men from seeking support. These myths often sound reasonable on the surface, but they can keep people carrying things alone for far longer than necessary.
Let's look at ten of the most common.
Myth 1: I Need To Be In Crisis Before I See A Counsellor
Many people assume that counselling is only for major mental health challenges.
While counselling can absolutely support people experiencing anxiety, depression, burnout, or grief, it is also a place to explore everyday concerns that affect wellbeing.
You do not need to be in crisis.
Many gay men seek counselling because they want to understand themselves better, improve a relationship, navigate a life transition, or simply make sense of what they are feeling.
Myth 2: My Problem Isn't Big Enough
This may be the most common myth of all.
Many men compare their struggles to others' and conclude they should cope alone.
But counselling is not a competition.
If something is affecting your wellbeing, relationships, confidence, or quality of life, it is worth talking about.
The question is not whether someone else has it worse.
The question is whether what you are carrying matters to you.
Myth 3: I Need To Know What To Say
A surprising number of first counselling sessions begin with:
"I'm not really sure why I'm here."
Or:
"I don't know where to start."
That's completely normal.
You do not need a prepared speech.
You do not need to have everything figured out.
Often the counselling process begins by simply exploring what feels important in the moment.
Myth 4: Counselling Is Only About Anxiety Or Depression
Anxiety and depression are common reasons people seek support.
But counselling for gay men often includes conversations about:
Relationships
Dating
Intimacy
Sexuality
Coming out
Loneliness
Friendship
Family conflict
Self-acceptance
Confidence
Shame
Work stress
Burnout
Life transitions
Purpose and meaning
Counselling is not limited to mental health diagnoses. It is about supporting the whole person.
Many gay men seek counselling to explore friendship, belonging, community, and the challenge of building meaningful connections as adults.
Myth 5: A Counsellor Will Tell Me What To Do
Many people worry that counselling involves receiving advice or being told how to live their lives.
My experience is quite different.
Good counselling is less about giving answers and more about helping people discover their own.
The goal is not to create dependence on someone else's opinion.
The goal is to develop greater awareness, understanding, and confidence in your own choices.
Myth 6: I Should Be Able To Handle This On My Own
Many gay and queer men become exceptionally skilled at self-reliance.
For some, that self-reliance developed out of necessity.
Perhaps they learned to hide parts of themselves. Perhaps they became the person everyone else could depend on. Perhaps they spent years carrying things quietly.
While independence can be a strength, it can also become a barrier.
Sometimes the strongest thing a person can do is allow themselves to be supported.
Myth 7: If I Talk About It, I'll Make It Worse
Some people worry that discussing painful experiences will increase distress.
In reality, many men describe the opposite experience.
They have already been thinking about the issue every day.
They have already been carrying it.
The difference is that counselling creates a safe and structured space to explore what is happening rather than facing it alone.
Myth 8: My Counsellor Won't Understand My Experience As A Gay Man
Many gay men have had experiences of feeling misunderstood.
Perhaps they have encountered assumptions about relationships, family, sexuality, masculinity, or identity.
This is why finding an affirming counsellor matters.
You should not have to spend your session educating someone about your existence.
A counsellor does not need to share every aspect of your experience, but they should provide a safe, respectful, and inclusive environment where you feel understood.
Myth 9: Going To Counselling Means Something Is Wrong With Me
This myth reflects a broader misunderstanding of what counselling is.
Seeking support does not mean you are broken.
It does not mean you have failed.
It does not mean something is wrong with you.
Many people seek counselling because they want to grow, understand themselves more deeply, improve relationships, or live more authentically.
Counselling is not just about fixing problems.
It can also be about building a life that feels meaningful.
Myth 10: If I Start Counselling, I'll Be In Therapy Forever
Some men worry that starting counselling means making a long-term commitment.
The reality is much more flexible.
Some people attend for a handful of sessions focused on a specific challenge.
Others engage in longer-term work because they find value in ongoing reflection and growth.
There is no perfect number of sessions.
The right approach depends on your goals, needs, and circumstances.
The Real Reason Many Gay Men Delay Counselling
After years of working with gay and queer men, I don't believe the biggest barrier is a lack of awareness.
Most people know counselling exists.
The bigger challenge is often believing that what they are experiencing is worthy of attention.
Many men minimise their struggles.
They tell themselves they should be coping better.
They convince themselves that everyone else seems fine.
They postpone the conversation for months or years.
Then they finally sit down and say:
"I've been carrying this for a long time."
And often that sentence becomes the beginning of meaningful change.
Frequently Asked Questions
What can gay men talk about in counselling?
Almost anything that affects your wellbeing, relationships, identity, confidence, sexuality, work, family, or sense of self. Common topics include anxiety, loneliness, dating, relationships, coming out, self-acceptance, burnout, intimacy, friendship, grief, and life transitions.
Do I need a mental health diagnosis to see a counsellor?
No. Many people seek counselling without any diagnosis. Counselling can support personal growth, self-understanding, relationships, and wellbeing.
Is counselling only for people in crisis?
No. While counselling can support people during difficult periods, many people attend because they want to better understand themselves, improve relationships, or navigate change.
How do I know if counselling is right for me?
If something is affecting your wellbeing, relationships, confidence, or quality of life, counselling may be worth considering. You do not need to wait until things become overwhelming.
What if I don't know what to talk about?
That is completely normal. Many people begin counselling unsure where to start. The conversation often unfolds naturally once you have a safe space to explore what is on your mind.
One of the things I have learned from years of speaking with gay and queer men is that the issue someone brings to counselling is often not the issue that keeps them awake at night.
Underneath the anxiety might be loneliness.
Underneath the relationship conflict might be fear.
Underneath the confidence issue might be years of learning to hide parts of yourself.
Counselling creates an opportunity to slow down, become curious, and explore what is really happening beneath the surface.
And often that conversation begins much earlier than people think it should.
Ready To Continue The Conversation?
If you are a gay or queer man looking for a safe and affirming space to explore what is happening in your life, Bent Couch Counselling offers online counselling across Australia and in-person counselling in Melbourne.
You can also explore hundreds of free articles, practical resources, and our unique Online Community Couch Conversations designed specifically for gay and queer men.
Book a free Discovery Call today and take the first step towards understanding yourself more deeply.
Bent Couch provides online counselling for gay, bi, queer, and LGBTQIA+ men across Australia, including Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Hobart, Canberra, Darwin, and rural communities.
Shaun
