When did keeping everyone else happy become more important than keeping yourself happy?
Here's a question.
How many times have you said yes to something when you really wanted to say no?
You agreed to help someone move house. You went to a dinner you would rather not attend. You took on another responsibility at work. Or perhaps you sat through a conversation, nodding along, while thinking, I don't agree with a word you're saying.
But you smiled anyway.
Because you would rather not upset anyone.
And then, later, you found yourself annoyed, exhausted or wondering why everyone seems to expect so much from you.
Sound familiar?
Welcome to people-pleasing.
Now, before we go any further, there's nothing wrong with being a decent human being. I do rather like people who are thoughtful, generous and considerate.
The trouble starts when being considerate of everyone else means you're no longer being considerate of yourself.
And that's what I want to explore.
What is people-pleasing?
People pleasing is when we regularly put other people's needs, expectations or feelings ahead of our own, often because we're worried about disappointing them, upsetting them or losing their approval.
It's not a mental health diagnosis.
And it doesn't mean you're weak.
Sometimes it's simply a pattern you've developed over many years without even realising it.
You become the reliable one.
The easy-going one.
The one who never complains.
Everyone thinks you're wonderful because you're always there when they need you.
But here's my question.
Who's there when you need something?
And perhaps an even more uncomfortable question: do you actually tell anyone what you need?
Seven signs you might be a people pleaser
I don't think we need a complicated psychological assessment to recognise some of these behaviours.
Have a read and see what comes up for you.
1. You say yes when you want to say no
Someone asks you to do something. You already have a thousand things happening, but out comes that familiar response.
“Yeah, no worries.”
Except there are worries. Quite a few, actually.
2. You apologise for everything
Sorry for asking a question.
Sorry for being late when you're actually on time.
Sorry for having an opinion.
At some point, you might want to ask yourself what you're apologising for.
3. You feel responsible for everyone's happiness
Someone's having a bad day, and suddenly you're trying to fix it.
Someone's disappointed, and you feel guilty.
Someone's annoyed, and you immediately wonder what you've done.
But other people's emotions aren't always yours to manage.
4. You avoid uncomfortable conversations
You'd rather put up with something than risk an argument.
So you stay quiet.
You tell yourself it isn't worth the trouble.
Until one day it becomes very much worth the trouble, because you've had enough.
5. You change depending on who's around
Different people seem to get different versions of you.
Perhaps you're more outspoken with friends but quiet around family.
Maybe you agree with things at work that don't match your values.
We all adjust our behaviour in different situations. That's normal.
But there's a difference between being adaptable and constantly hiding what you really think.
6. You feel resentful
This one's interesting.
You keep giving, helping and accommodating, but somewhere along the way you start feeling taken for granted.
And the frustrating part?
Sometimes nobody actually asked you to do half the things you've taken on.
7. You've forgotten what you want
Where would you like to eat?
“Anywhere.”
What would you like to do this weekend?
“I'm easy.”
What do you think?
“Whatever everyone else thinks.”
Being flexible is one thing. Never allowing yourself a preference is another.
Why do we become people pleasers?
I consider this part particularly interesting because people-pleasing often makes more sense when we understand where it came from.
For some people, it begins in childhood.
Perhaps keeping the peace at home was important. Maybe you learnt that being kind, helpful or agreeable kept everyone happy.
For others, it develops through difficult relationships, experiences of rejection or a fear of conflict.
Occasionally it's connected to anxiety. Agreeing with someone can feel easier than sitting with the uncertainty of how they'll respond if you disagree.
And sometimes it's about wanting to belong.
Which brings me to something I see as particularly relevant for gay and queer men.
People pleasing and growing up gay
Think about what it can be like growing up knowing, or even just suspecting, that something about you might not be accepted.
You become very good at reading a room.
You listen carefully to what people say.
You notice the jokes, the comments, and the expectations.
You work out which parts of yourself are safe to share and which parts might be better kept quiet.
For some gay men, that can mean years of trying to be the person everyone expects them to be.
The good son.
The dependable husband.
The successful employee.
The friend who never causes trouble.
I know from my own journey that living according to other people's expectations can become complicated, particularly when those expectations don't reflect who you really are.
And here's the thing.
Some of those habits don't automatically disappear when you come out.
You might finally feel comfortable saying, “I'm gay,” but still find it incredibly difficult to say, “No, I don't want to do that.”
They're different experiences, of course, but they can share something important: the fear of what happens when we stop being who other people expect us to be.
Not every gay man is a people pleaser. And people pleasing certainly isn't exclusive to LGBTQIA+ people.
But I do think it's worth asking how years of trying to fit in might influence the way we manage relationships later in life.
People-pleasing and integrity drift
I've been thinking about a phrase that I call 'integrity drift'.
It's not a clinical term. It's simply my way of describing something I think many of us experience.
It's what happens when we make so many little compromises to keep other people happy that we gradually move away from our own values.
Not all at once.
Just a little bit here and there.
You believe in honesty, but you keep agreeing with things you don't believe.
You value family, but you're so busy meeting everyone's expectations that you have very little energy left for the people who matter most.
You believe in treating people with respect, yet somehow you've stopped expecting that same respect for yourself.
And eventually you might find yourself wondering why life feels so frustrating.
Perhaps it's because the life you're living isn't quite lining up with the things you believe in.
That's integrity drift.
And I think it deserves more attention.
Because sometimes the biggest issue isn't that we're doing too much.
It's that we're doing too much of what everyone else wants and not enough of what actually matters to us.
Is being a people pleaser the same as being kind?
Absolutely not.
I think we need to be careful here.
We live in a world where consideration, kindness and generosity are sometimes treated as weaknesses.
I don't agree with that.
Being kind is a wonderful quality.
But kindness doesn't require you to abandon yourself.
You can care about someone and disagree with them.
You can love your family and still have boundaries.
You can support a friend without being available every minute of the day.
And you can say no without becoming a horrible person.
The difference, I think, is whether you're making a genuine choice or acting out of fear.
How to stop people pleasing
I'm not going to suggest you wake up tomorrow and start telling everyone where to go.
Apart from being rather unpleasant, it probably wouldn't do much for your relationships.
Instead, I think it's about making small changes and becoming more aware of why you're making certain decisions.
1. Stop answering immediately
This is a simple one.
The next time someone asks you to do something, try not to respond straight away.
You can say:
“Let me think about that and get back to you.”
That's it.
No dramatic announcement. No lengthy explanation.
Just a little space to work out what you actually want.
2. Ask yourself why you're saying yes
Is it because you genuinely want to help?
Because it's important to you?
Or because you're worried someone might be disappointed?
There's no need to judge yourself for the answer.
Just notice it.
3. Learn that 'no' is a reasonable answer
You don't always need an elaborate excuse.
“Thanks for asking, but I can't.”
That's a perfectly acceptable response.
And yes, it might feel uncomfortable the first few times.
But discomfort isn't necessarily a sign that you've made the wrong decision.
4. Stop taking responsibility for everyone's emotions
This one can take some practice.
People are allowed to feel disappointed.
They're allowed to disagree with you.
They're even allowed to be annoyed.
You can acknowledge those feelings without immediately changing your decision to make everything comfortable again.
Of course, if you're dealing with someone who is controlling, threatening or abusive, setting boundaries may require a different approach and additional support.
5. Remember your own values
What actually matters to you?
Honesty?
Respect?
Family?
Integrity?
Kindness?
And here's the important bit.
Are the decisions you're making helping you live according to those values?
Or are you slowly drifting away from them?
6. Start with the small stuff
Choose the restaurant.
Tell someone what you really think.
Say you'd rather stay home.
Ask for what you need.
It doesn't have to become a major life event.
Sometimes change begins with allowing yourself to have an opinion.
7. Accept that not everyone will agree with you
I wish I could tell you that once you start setting boundaries, everyone will applaud your personal growth.
They probably won't.
Some people may be surprised.
Some may be disappointed.
And some may need time to adjust.
That doesn't automatically mean they're bad people or that the relationship is unhealthy.
Relationships involve compromise.
But compromise should involve both people, not just the one who's always willing to give way.
What if people don't like the new you?
Well, firstly, you're not necessarily becoming a new person.
You might simply be allowing people to see more of the person you've always been.
And that can take some getting used to, for you as well as everyone else.
I think there's an important distinction between wanting people to like us and needing everyone to approve of us.
Most of us enjoy being liked.
But when approval becomes the thing that determines our decisions, we can lose sight of ourselves.
And that's a rather high price to pay.
Can counselling help with people pleasing?
Absolutely.
Sometimes it's helpful to have a conversation with someone who isn't expecting you to keep them happy.
Someone who can help you explore why saying no feels difficult, why conflict creates anxiety or why other people's opinions seem to carry so much weight.
In counselling, we might explore past experiences, relationships, self-worth, boundaries and the values that matter to you.
For gay and queer men, that conversation may also involve identity, shame, rejection or the experience of growing up feeling different.
At Bent Couch Counselling, these are the sorts of conversations I enjoy having with clients.
Not because there's something about them that needs fixing.
But because understanding ourselves can help us make different choices.
And sometimes those choices make an enormous difference.
A final thought
I wonder how many people spend their lives being described as lovely, generous, helpful and easy-going, while quietly feeling exhausted.
They're always available.
Always understanding.
Always putting everyone else first.
And somewhere along the way, they've forgotten to include themselves in the equation.
So here's something I'd like you to think about.
What would change in your life if you stopped trying to keep everyone happy and started making a little more room for yourself?
Not at the expense of everyone else.
Not by becoming selfish or inconsiderate.
But by recognising that your needs, your values and your wellbeing matter too.
Because being a good person shouldn't require you to disappear.
And perhaps the next time someone asks you to do something you really don't want to do, you might simply say:
“Thanks, but no.”
Then resist the urge to apologise for the next twenty minutes.
That's a pretty good start.
Need someone to talk to?
If people pleasing, anxiety, boundaries or relationship difficulties are affecting your wellbeing, Bent Couch Counselling offers LGBTQIA+ affirming counselling in Melbourne and online across Australia.
I offer a free 15-minute Discovery Call so we can have a chat about what's happening for you and whether counselling might be helpful.
Shaun
