Pride Without Pressure: Creating Space for Every Story
Pride Month is a celebration of survival, resistance, identity, and community. It’s also a moment of reflection. While we wave flags, share stories, and affirm our worth, we must also ask: Who feels truly included in the celebration? And who doesn’t?
For many gay men, Pride can feel like both a homecoming and a rejection. That’s because mixed messages within our own community often leave people feeling confused, judged, and invisible. We’re told to be proud—but also to look a certain way, act a certain way, and hide parts of ourselves that don't fit a narrow mould.
Let's talk about the conflicting expectations we place on each other.
The Mixed Messages We Keep Sending
Below are some of the most common mixed messages that show up in the gay community and what we can do to challenge them.
1. Be yourself – but not like that.
The message:
“Be proud of who you are.” But if you’re too feminine, too flamboyant, too emotional, or too quiet, you may find yourself on the edge of the group, unseen or mocked.
How to do better:
True pride embraces the full spectrum of expression. Let’s affirm each other’s authenticity, whether that looks like drag, softness, stoicism, kink, or something in between. Diversity isn’t a threat; it’s our strength.
2. Celebrate sex – but don’t talk about it.
The message:
Sex is everywhere: on floats, in social media, and in our humour. But talking about sexual health, consent, or struggles with intimacy is often shut down or stigmatised.
How to do better:
Let’s create space for real conversations about sex, without shame. Pride began as a fight for bodily autonomy and freedom. That includes the freedom to talk openly about sexual wellbeing, HIV, and the emotional aspects of intimacy.
3. We’re all equal – but some are more equal than others.
The message:
“Love is love” becomes hollow when queer people of colour, disabled folks, older gay men, trans men, and others feel erased from the spotlight.
How to do better:
Pride must be intersectional. That means lifting up stories and voices that often go unheard. If your Pride lineup or feed is only showing young, fit, white gay men, ask why and change it.
4. Connection matters – but don’t catch feelings.
The message:
We’re told to find connection, but many men fear vulnerability. Expressing emotion or wanting deeper intimacy is often considered needy or weak.
How to do better:
Let’s normalise emotional honesty. Wanting connection isn’t clingy; it’s human. Whether you're seeking love, friendship, or chosen family, all forms of connection deserve respect.
5. Pride is for everyone – but it’s also a party.
The message:
While Pride began as a protest, it often feels like a commercialised party now. If you're not into drinking, drugs, or nightlife, you might feel excluded.
How to do better:
Let’s expand our idea of what Pride looks like. Host sober events. Offer family-friendly spaces. Create room for storytelling, reflection, and support alongside the celebration.
6. We fight stigma – but still judge each other.
The message:
The community campaigns against discrimination but sometimes replicates it in dating preferences, body shaming, ageism, and mental health stigma.
How to do better:
We must hold up a mirror. If your idea of an “ideal partner” excludes entire groups, ask yourself where that belief came from. Inclusion starts in our daily choices, not just on banners.
“Pride must be intersectional. That means lifting up stories and voices that often go unheard. If your Pride lineup or feed is only showing young, fit, white gay men, ask why and change it.”
Why This Matters for Mental Health
Mixed messaging doesn’t just cause confusion; it affects mental health. When gay men feel pressure to conform to contradictory standards, it can lead to:
Shame and self-doubt
Body image issues and disordered eating
Anxiety about fitting in or being “too much”
Substance use to mask discomfort
Loneliness, even within the community
At Bent Couch Counselling, many of our clients describe feeling emotionally fatigued, not from being gay, but from navigating the invisible rules of how to be the right kind of gay.
Reclaiming Pride with Integrity
Pride Month is a chance to get honest with ourselves and each other. To be a community that celebrates all of us, we must replace mixed messages with clarity, compassion, and real connection.
Here’s how we can start:
1. Expand the scope of visibility.
Make sure your community events, social media, and friendships include people of different backgrounds, bodies, and experiences.
2. Value connection over performance.
Let’s value being present and kind over being popular or “hot”. There’s not one way to belong here.
3. Normalise talking about the hard stuff.
Create safe spaces—like Community Couch Conversations—where men can talk about loneliness, shame, sexuality, and emotional wellbeing without judgement.
4. Practice body neutrality.
You don’t need to love your body every second, but you do deserve respect, no matter your shape, size, or fitness level.
5. Encourage curiosity over criticism.
When someone’s identity or lifestyle is unfamiliar, lead with curiosity instead of critique. Our community should be a place of learning and openness.
6. Support mental health access
Talk about therapy like it’s normal, because it is. Encourage each other to get support, and dismantle the idea that seeking help is a weakness.
Pride Is More Than a Party
True pride is not about being flawless. It’s about being free to be messy, vulnerable, expressive, quiet, loud, different, soft, bold, or scared. It's about belonging as you are, not as who you're told to be.
Let this Pride Month be more than rainbow capitalism and Instagram selfies. Let it be the start of radical compassion for ourselves and for each other.
At Bent Couch Counselling, we’re here to help gay and queer men unpack shame, understand their stories, and build meaningful connection without the performance.
We believe that you don't have to earn your place in this community. You already belong.
