So You Think You Might Be Gay? You’re Not Alone
For a long time, I kept pushing the question aside.
“Am I gay?”
“No, it’s probably just a phase.”
“Maybe I’m just imagining things.”
“I’ve got too much to lose.”
Sound familiar?
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve asked yourself similar questions. You might be wondering if you’re gay or somewhere else on the sexuality spectrum. Even if the world seems more accepting, it doesn't make it easier to accept it in ourselves.
Let me start by saying this: you’re not alone. There’s no right timeline, no perfect label, no magic answer. What there is, and what I wish I’d known sooner, is space. Space to explore. Space to feel. Space to breathe.
I want to share a few things I’ve learnt both personally and professionally as a gay-affirming counsellor working with men across Australia.
The Question We Avoid—Until We Can’t
I lived for years avoiding the question. I had a family, a career, and friends who saw me a certain way. To admit I might be gay felt like tearing it all down. But deep inside, something kept nudging at me. It was a truth I was not prepared to confront.
Eventually, as The Velvet Rage author Alan Downs puts it, “No matter how hard we try to avoid it, the question, ‘Am I really gay?’ demands an answer.”
Facing it felt terrifying. But avoiding it? That was exhausting.
So if you're here quietly asking yourself the same question, I want to honour how big that is. It’s not confusion. It’s courage.
You Don’t Need to Have All the Answers
Here’s what I wish someone had told me early on: you don’t have to know everything right away.
Sexuality isn’t something you solve like a maths problem. It’s a part of who you are, and that part might take time to name, understand, or even accept.
Some men I work with feel emotionally close to other men but not physically attracted. Others experience physical desire but struggle with the word "gay". And some aren’t sure at all. That’s okay.
Exploring your feelings doesn’t mean you have to announce anything today. It doesn’t mean you’re committed to a label. It just means you’re being honest with yourself.
Common Feelings When Questioning Your Sexuality
This journey isn’t always smooth. I’ve spoken with hundreds of men who’ve described similar emotions:
Shame – Sometimes we’ve internalised messages from childhood, religion, culture, or media that told us being gay was wrong or broken.
Fear – Of rejection. Of judgement. Of what it means for our relationships, work, and family.
Loneliness – It can feel isolating when no one around you seems to understand or when you’re afraid to speak your truth.
Confusion – You might feel attraction to men but not relate to what you think being “gay” looks like. Labels don’t always capture the complexity.
These emotions are not proof that something is wrong with you. They’re signs that you’re human navigating something complex, brave and deeply personal.
You’re Part of a Bigger Story
Sometimes it helps to zoom out.
Did you know that around 3.6% of Australians aged 16+ identify as LGBTI+? That’s over 900,000 people. And it’s likely more because stigma and fear still silence many of us.
Gay male attraction isn’t new. It’s been documented for centuries, from ancient Greece to modern day. And while our language has evolved, the core of it remains: the human capacity to love, connect, and be seen.
You are not broken. You are not wrong. You are part of a much larger community, one that’s faced adversity, yes, but also one that holds joy, strength, and pride.
There Is Support Out There
One of the most powerful shifts in my life came when I stopped trying to do it alone.
At Bent Couch Counselling, I work with men at all stages of their journey: some who have never said it out loud, some who are still married to women, some who have just started dating men, and some who still aren’t sure what they are.
What they all have in common is the need for a safe, non-judgemental space to talk.
We also created a free guide:
So You Think You Might Be Gay?
It includes:
Common myths vs facts (like the idea that being gay is caused by poor parenting—spoiler: it’s not).
A brief history of gay men and the Pride flag.
Practical steps if you’re unsure what to do next.
A reminder that your story deserves compassion, not shame.
You can download it, read it in your own time, and come back to it when you need to.
From One Man to Another
If you’re scared, that’s okay.
If you’re unsure, that’s okay.
If you’ve hidden behind a version of yourself to feel safe, you’re not alone.
But please know this: there’s nothing shameful about being gay or about wondering if you are. The journey to discovering your truth is one of the most liberating things you'll ever do.
You don’t have to do it overnight. And you don’t have to do it alone.
Whether it’s through counselling, connecting with other men, or simply reading a resource like this one, let each step be a sign that you are already doing the work. Quietly, bravely, in your own way.
And I’m proud of you for that.
