Six Ways to Heal the Inner Critic with Compassion as a Gay Man
For most of my life, I believed there was something wrong with me.
Not just a little wrong. Deeply flawed. Broken in ways I could not quite name, but I could feel it in my chest every time I tried to be proud of myself. Something in me would always whisper, You are not good enough. Not smart enough. Not attractive enough. Not man enough.
That voice lived in my head like an unwanted flatmate who never paid rent but somehow always had the loudest opinion.
For a long time, I thought this voice was telling me the truth. I thought it was helping me stay humble, to keep improving, and to do better. But over time I realised something far more painful: this voice was not keeping me grounded. It was keeping me small.
The Inner Critic is a Universal Experience, But It Hits LGBTQ People Harder
As a gay man living in Australia, I now know I was not born with that voice. I picked it up along the way: from the playground, from church pews, from locker rooms, from media that told me my love was shameful or less than. I learnt to judge myself before anyone else could. I learnt to edit my words, shrink my emotions, and doubt my own worth.
This is not unique to me. Many gay, bi, trans and queer men have told me they too feel like they carry an invisible bully in their head, one that is loudest when they are trying to feel good about themselves.
We call it the inner critic. But sometimes, it feels more like an inner enemy.
Whether you are questioning your sexuality, recently out, or navigating life as an openly gay or queer man, that inner voice can show up in surprising ways. And it can have real impacts on mental health, increasing anxiety, fuelling shame, and even affecting our ability to form meaningful relationships.
What I Have Learned About the Inner Critic
In my counselling work and personal healing, I have learnt a few things about this harsh inner voice:
It often sounds like someone from our past
It thrives in silence, secrecy and shame
It hates when we rest, celebrate or show ourselves love
It is terrified of change, especially the kind that brings us closer to who we really are
When I finally began to notice the pattern, I started to ask myself, What if I do not have to listen to this voice anymore? What if I could learn to speak to myself differently?
That was the beginning of something I now call healing the inner critic.
I Realised the Voice Was Never Mine
One day, I was reflecting on a particularly loud moment of self-doubt, and I stopped mid-thought. The voice I heard in my head sounded exactly like the boys who used to torment me in the schoolyard. The ones who laughed at my walk. My voice. My softness. My silence.
They told me I was wrong just for being me. And somehow, even though I had grown up and moved on, they were still with me, not outside, but inside. I was letting those bullies live rent-free in my mind.
I decided that day to stop calling it my inner critic and start calling it what it really was, the schoolyard bullies.
Talking Back to the Bullies in My Head
Once I made that shift, something changed. I stopped seeing those thoughts as true and started seeing them as old recordings.
Now, when I hear the voice that says, “You are too much,” I say, “That sounds like the playground, not my truth.” When the voice says, “No one will love you if they really know you,” I answer, “That is not mine to carry.”
This is not about pretending everything is fine. It is about learning to respond to yourself with care instead of cruelty.
I began writing down the things the bullies would say. Then I wrote a kinder response underneath. Over time, I noticed the voice of compassion getting stronger.
It felt like I was finally learning to become my own ally, not my own enemy.
The Role of Community in Quietening the Critic
One of the greatest comforts in this journey has been connecting with other GBTQ men who carry similar scars.
In peer groups, therapy sessions and community conversations, both in person and through online counselling, I have met men who were tired of holding it all in. Men who had learnt to smile through shame. Men who, like me, had mistaken survival for self-worth.
There is something healing about saying it out loud: “I still hear the bullies in my head.” And then hearing someone reply, “Me too.”
Together, we make space for pride but also for the parts that come before it: the doubt, the grief, and the loneliness. This is where real healing begins.
This is why we run free online group sessions for gay and queer men through Bent Couch Counselling: to help people feel seen and supported, no matter where they are in the world.
What Helped Me Move Forward
If you relate to any part of this, here are some gentle practices that helped me begin to heal:
1. Recognise the voice. Start by noticing when it shows up. Is it during rest, success, or intimacy? Patterns help you understand the triggers.
2. Write it down. Put the critic's voice on paper and write your own response underneath. Your truth deserves equal space.
3. Speak to yourself like a friend. Imagine someone you love said the same harsh things. How would you respond to them? Try offering that to yourself.
4. Step away from critical spaces. Social media, world news, and dating apps can amplify self-doubt. You are allowed to protect your peace.
5. Connect with safe people. Shame does not survive being seen and understood. Talk to people who get it. You do not need to do this alone.
6. Choose joy anyway. The bullies hate when you dance, wear colour, rest, cry or shine. Do those things on purpose.
The Inner Critic May Return, But You Will Be Ready
Even now, the voice of those bullies sometimes sneaks back in. But I do not believe it like I used to. I know it is not who I am; it is just an echo of who I feared I had to be to survive.
Now, I have a louder voice inside. One that says I am enough. That I deserve love. That I can be soft and strong at the same time.
If you are hearing those critical thoughts right now, I want you to know this: they are not the truth. They are not you.
You are worthy. You are allowed to grow. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to exist without performing or proving.
Whether you are in Sydney, London, Johannesburg or San Francisco, know this: you are not alone. You are part of a global community of LGBTQ people learning to quiet the inner critic and choose self-compassion.
Looking for support or community?
Join our next free online group session for gay and queer men through Bent Couch Counselling
Based in Australia but open to men across the globe
Book a Discovery Call with myself, a registered LGBTQ counsellor
Learn more at bentcouch.com.au
