The First Step in Counselling for the LGBTQIA+ Community
Most people in the LGBTQIA+ community arrive at counselling with one quiet question sitting underneath everything else.
“What am I supposed to do here?”
Some expect to be analysed.
Some expect to be fixed.
Some expect to be asked questions they do not have answers for.
Many expect to feel exposed or judged.
So it might be helpful to know this.
The very first thing that happens in counselling at Bent Couch is not talking.
It is not problem solving.
It is not digging into your past.
The first thing that happens is slowing down.
The first step in counselling is creating safety
When people from the LGBTQIA+ community come to counselling, they often arrive in a state of doing.
‘I’m doing fine.’
‘I’m doing my best.’
‘I’m doing what is expected.’
‘I’m doing life on autopilot.’
Even those who feel anxious, low, stuck or overwhelmed are often still functioning. They are working, parenting, showing up socially, and keeping things moving. On the outside, things may look mostly okay.
Inside, it can feel very different.
That is why the first stage of counselling at Bent Couch is simply called ‘Begin’.
Begin is not a technique or a test. It is the starting point of counselling, where we slow things down and focus on safety before anything else.
To Begin is not about changing you.
It is about creating enough safety for you to notice yourself.
What ‘Begin’ really means
At the Begin stage, the focus is simple but powerful.
We slow everything down enough for your nervous system to settle.
Many people in the LGBTQIA+ community have spent years adapting. Reading rooms. Managing reactions. Holding parts of themselves back. Staying composed. Being careful about what is shown and where.
These patterns often developed for good reason.
They do not disappear just because you sit on a couch or log into a session online.
So the first task is not to push past them.
It is to respect them.
To Begin is about understanding how you have learnt to survive, not treating those adaptations as problems.
You are not expected to know what to say
One of the biggest fears people have about counselling is saying the wrong thing or not knowing where to start.
For many in the LGBTQIA+ community, this fear is shaped by past experiences of being misunderstood, judged, or having to explain themselves.
At the Begin stage, you do not need a clear story.
You do not need the right language.
You do not need to justify why you are there.
It is enough to arrive.
Often the most important information is not what you say, but how you say it. The pauses. The tension. The uncertainty. The way your body responds when certain topics come close.
These are not things to correct.
They are things to notice together.
To Begin is about safety before insight
Real insight does not come from being pushed. It comes from feeling safe enough to be honest.
For many people in the LGBTQIA+ community, honesty has not always felt safe. Being emotional may have been discouraged. Vulnerability may have been dismissed. Expressing identity, desire, or need may have required caution or self-protection.
So counselling does not rush you past that.
The Begin stage is where we establish that you are not here to be judged, fixed or measured. You are here to be understood.
That understanding starts with safety.
What you might notice in early sessions
Many people from the LGBTQIA+ community say the first few sessions feel different from what they expected.
You might notice that:
There is more space than pressure
Silence is allowed
You are not interrupted or rushed
There is curiosity instead of correction
Your reactions make sense in context
You might also notice discomfort. That is normal.
Slowing down can feel strange when you have spent years staying alert, adaptable, or guarded. Sitting with yourself can bring up feelings you have kept at bay.
None of this means you are doing counselling wrong.
It means the Begin stage is working.
You are not broken
This is important to say early.
Coming to counselling does not mean something is wrong with you.
Many people in the LGBTQIA+ community are not broken. They are what we call at Bent Couch ‘bent’. They have adapted to families, relationships, systems and social expectations that required flexibility and self-protection.
Those adaptations were often intelligent and necessary.
To Begin honours that.
Instead of asking, “What is wrong with you?” We ask, “What happened that made this way of coping make sense?”
That question alone can reduce shame.
To Begin sets the pace for everything that follows
Counselling works best when it moves at the speed of trust.
If Begin is rushed, everything else feels unstable.
If Begin is respected, deeper work becomes possible.
This stage lays the groundwork for exploring patterns, relationships, identity and change later on. But it does not demand that before you are ready.
You are allowed to arrive as you are.
If this is your first time in counselling
If you are reading this before your first session, know this.
You are not expected to perform.
You are not expected to have clarity.
You are not expected to be brave in the ways you have been taught.
You are simply invited to Begin.
And beginning starts with slowing down, together.
So I invite you to finally close your eyes and take four slow, deep breaths.
There is no rush.
Your nervous system deserves this space.
Shaun
