Finding Strength through Depression and Anxiety as a gay man
I want to be honest with you. Talking about depression and anxiety is not easy, especially as a gay man who feels like I should have life figured out. There is this quiet pressure to be strong, successful, confident, connected and somehow manage to do it all while carrying everything that has shaped you.
But here is the truth: I too have days when I struggle to get out of bed. Days when anxiety sits on my chest like an elephant wearing heavy steel-capped boots. Days when depression convinces me that everyone would be better off without me. And yet, I am still here, and you are still here, and that matters.
I want to share my story because if you're reading this and feeling heavy, hopeless, or overwhelmed, you're not alone.
The Unspoken Weight of Depression in Gay Men
Being a gay man can be complicated. There are layers to our identities: partner, son, friend, father, colleague, lover. Expectations often pull us in every direction all at once.
Some of us are parenting. Some of us are currently navigating the challenges of single life. Some of us are trying to find a sense of connection. And many of us are quietly carrying depression and anxiety while trying to look like we have it all together.
I know this because I live it too. No amount of counselling experience, personal growth, or community work makes you immune to the weight we can sometimes carry. And I want you to know there is no shame in struggling, no matter how together your life looks from the outside.
How Anxiety Affects Gay Men and Mental Health
For me, anxiety rarely arrives gently. It never knocks politely. It can often storm in at three in the morning, demanding I replay every life choice I have made since 1993.
It shows up in the small, relentless questions:
Did I spend enough time with the people I love this week?
Does my partner really love me, or are they just being polite?
Am I doing enough to support the men I work with?
What if everyone realises I’m barely holding it together myself?
Anxiety can make you doubt everything, including your relationships, your decisions, and even your worth. But over time, I've come to understand that anxiety is frequently a signal rather than a permanent condition. It is my mind’s way of saying, “Something here needs attention.”
When Depression Slows Everything Down
Depression feels different. If anxiety is like a buzzing wasp you cannot escape, depression is more like sinking in wet concrete. It slows your energy, your motivation, and even your hope.
There have been days where showing up for anyone, whether it was my kids, my clients, or my friends, felt impossible. And yet, I’ve learnt something important. Hiding it only makes it heavier.
We are often taught to put on a brave face, to keep functioning, to keep pretending. But I have discovered that the moments I choose honesty, even just saying “I am not okay right now,” are the moments that have kept me grounded.
Holding Space for Others While Carrying My Own Pain
I work as a counsellor. That means I spend a lot of my time sitting with men who are navigating their own pain, loneliness, shame, and struggles with mental health. I hear their stories, hold space for their emotions, and help them find ways to rebuild connection and hope.
But here is the thing no one really talks about. Supporting others does not make you immune. I still have my own heavy days. I still wrestle with anxiety and depression. And sometimes, after holding someone else’s pain during a counselling session, I need to sit in silence for a while and simply breathe.
Being a counsellor has taught me something powerful. You cannot pour from an empty cup. I cannot show up for others unless I make time to show up for myself. And I am still learning how to do that.
Why Self-Care Matters for Gay Men’s Mental Health
I also lead several peer support groups, including Gay Fathers Worldwide and Community Couch Conversations, communities of men who come together to share stories, seek support, and create connection. Being part of these groups has been life-changing for me and for so many others who have felt isolated and unseen.
But even surrounded by supportive men, I’ve learnt something important. Community is not the same as self-care. I still need quiet moments where I step away from holding space for others and tend to myself with care and compassion.
I have had to learn how to say, “I need time to rest.” I have had to remind myself that it is okay to take a break from being the strong one. I've come to understand that genuine connection with others thrives when you maintain a strong connection with yourself.
Five Practical Ways I Manage Depression and Anxiety
I am not here to offer a five-step magic fix for depression and anxiety in gay men. If it existed, trust me, I would have found it by now. But I can share a few things that have helped me stay grounded:
1. Finding My People
Surrounding myself with people who understand me, other gay men, allies, and friends who truly listen has been life-changing. Connection is wonderful medicine.
2. Therapy and Counselling
Even as a counsellor, I see my own therapist. Speaking to someone who listens without judgement often helps me untangle things I don’t even realise I am carrying.
3. Taking Real Breaks
I used to think self-care meant adding more activities like meditation, gym, or journaling. Sometimes self-care simply means doing less. Taking a slow walk. Enjoying a quiet coffee. Stopping and taking some deep breaths.
4. Laugh anyway
Humour has saved me more times than I can count. I often joke that I am someone’s dad, someone’s ex-husband, and probably someone’s midlife crisis all at once. If we are unable to laugh at the mess, we become lost in it.
5. Reaching Out Early
I used to wait until I was on the edge before asking for help. Now, I reach out sooner. To a friend. To my counsellor. To my community. Asking for help is not weakness; it is strength.
If You Are Struggling, You Are Not Alone
If there is one thing I want you to know, it is this. You are not broken. You are human. And being human means needing other people sometimes.
Depression and anxiety can make you feel isolated, but there is power in being seen by people who understand without you having to explain yourself. Whether it is a friend, a support group, or a community like Gay Fathers Worldwide, you deserve spaces where you can breathe and be real.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1: How common is depression and anxiety in gay men?
Depression and anxiety are more common among gay, bi, and queer men than in the general population. Studies show that LGBTQIA+ people experience mental health challenges at two to three times the rate of heterosexual people due to factors like discrimination, internalised shame, and social isolation.
If you’re struggling, you are not alone, and support is available.
Q2: How do I know if I should see a counsellor or therapist?
You might consider counselling if you’re experiencing:
Constant feelings of sadness, stress, or hopelessness
Difficulty managing day-to-day tasks
Challenges in relationships, work, or self-esteem
Anxiety that interferes with sleep, concentration, or connection
Seeking help doesn’t mean you are weak; it’s a way of taking care of yourself and your mental wellbeing.
Q3: Can I get support online, or do I need to see someone in person?
You can choose what feels right for you. At Bent Couch Counselling, we offer both online counselling for flexibility and privacy, as well as in-person sessions in Melbourne for those who prefer face-to-face support.
Online sessions are especially helpful if you’re seeking LGBTQIA+ affirming therapy but live outside major cities or prefer the comfort of your own space.
Q4: Do I need to take medication for anxiety or depression?
Not everyone needs medication. Some people benefit from talking therapies like counselling, while others find a combination of counselling and prescribed medication works best.
If you’re unsure, the first step is speaking with a GP, psychiatrist, or counsellor. Together, you can explore:
Whether medication is necessary
What options are available
How medication may complement your therapy
Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Your mental health plan should reflect your needs and preferences.
Q5: How can I support my mental health between counselling sessions?
Small, consistent steps can make a big difference:
Prioritise connection with supportive people
Practise mindfulness or grounding techniques
Build a simple daily routine to create structure
Limit alcohol or substance use when you’re feeling low
Keep a self-care plan with practical strategies that help you reset
Bent Couch offers their clients downloadable self-paced workbooks and resources to guide them between sessions.
Q6: What should I do if I’m in crisis or feel unsafe?
If you are in danger or feel unsafe with your thoughts:
Call 000 in Australia
Reach out to any of the attached support numbers. Click here
Most importantly, please do not try to carry this alone. I know, from my own personal experience, that reaching out can change everything.
Shaun
