Being a Gay Dad: Love, Family and Father’s Day
Father’s Day has always been a moment of pause for me. In the past, I used to look at it through a very different lens. I played the role of a husband and father, doing all the things expected of me, but deep inside there was a constant unease. I loved my four children deeply, yet I was carrying a truth I had not spoken, and that silence came with its own weight.
Coming out as a gay man later in life was one of the most challenging and liberating decisions I have ever made. It reshaped my relationships, my sense of self, and how I experience fatherhood. It has been a journey filled with moments of heartbreak and growth, and on this Father's Day, I find myself reflecting on how far I have come, how much I have learnt, and how grateful I am for the space I now hold for myself, my children, and those I love.
Fatherhood Before Coming Out
Before coming out, fatherhood was my greatest joy, but I often struggled to be fully present. I wanted to give my children everything, yet so much of my energy went into hiding parts of myself. I worried constantly about being “found out”, about judgement from others, and about whether I was living the life I was supposed to.
I tried to be the perfect dad, the reliable husband, and the steady provider, but inside I carried shame and self-doubt. While I was physically there for my children, emotionally I often felt distant. There was always a quiet part of me wondering what it would feel like to live authentically.
Looking back now, I can see how trying to hold everything together while concealing such a core part of who I am took its toll. I gave my children love, but I had not yet learnt how to show up as myself. That situation has changed, and it has transformed me.
Coming Out Later in Life
In 2019, I came out as a gay man. After being married for 25 years, it was not an easy decision, and it carried consequences I still feel today. There were moments of guilt, grief, and confusion, but also moments of freedom and hope.
Coming out meant beginning again. It meant facing the pain of my marriage ending. It meant redefining my family. It meant navigating an entirely new way of being in the world while carrying the responsibility of being a dad.
What I did not expect, however, was how coming out would bring a new depth and honesty to my relationships, including those with my four children. It opened a door to conversations and connections I could not have imagined before, even though that journey has been complex and, at times, deeply challenging.
Rebuilding My Relationship with My Children
One of my biggest fears when I came out was losing the love and trust of my four children. I worried they might feel betrayed, confused, or distant from me. Some of those fears became a reality, and the truth is that our relationship is still a work in progress.
Coming out changed everything, not just for me but for them too. It has meant learning how to communicate differently, sitting with uncomfortable conversations, and accepting that healing takes time. We are still finding our way, and there are moments when it feels complicated for all of us.
Even so, there is a new honesty between us that I value deeply. My children now see more of who I truly am. They have watched me rebuild my life, embrace my identity, and make choices that align with the person I have always been inside. These choices have not always been simple, but they are authentic, and I believe my children recognise that.
I also know now that being open about my vulnerabilities does not make me less of a father. In many ways, it has made me a better one. I no longer try to pretend that I have it all figured out. Instead, I focus on showing up with patience, honesty, and love, even when the path feels uncertain.
I know I am a better dad today because I am living as my true self. While our relationships are still evolving, I hold hope that this foundation of authenticity will strengthen our bond over time.
The Impact on My Mental Health
For years, there was a cost associated with maintaining secrecy. I lived with anxiety, shame, and an ongoing sense that I was somehow falling short. My mental health suffered in ways I didn't fully understand until I embraced my truth.
Coming out has not solved everything, but it has created space for healing. Living openly has allowed me to let go of the pressure to perform and start focusing on being fully present, both with myself and with those I love.
It has also helped me model the importance of emotional honesty for my children. They have seen me navigate setbacks and take steps to protect my wellbeing. They have watched me reach out for help when I need it and make mental health a priority. I hope that these actions show them the strength in seeking support and the value of caring for your emotional wellbeing.
Being a Gay Dad in a New Relationship
Starting a new relationship as an openly gay man has been one of the most affirming and transformative experiences of my life, but it has also come with its own set of challenges. After coming out later in life, learning how to build a relationship that feels true to who I am has required a lot of unlearning, patience, and self-reflection.
Being in this relationship has given me the chance to experience love openly and without hiding, something I never allowed myself before. It has brought joy, excitement, and a sense of freedom, but it has also meant navigating unfamiliar territory. Building trust, creating space for vulnerability, and balancing the different parts of my life has not always been easy.
Introducing my partner into my world, including my role as a father, has been a careful and ongoing process. There are moments where it feels natural and connected, and other times where it is complicated and takes work. We are learning together — about ourselves, about each other, and about what it means to create a life built on honesty and respect.
What I have discovered through this journey is that love does not follow a single path, and neither does family. Being a gay dad in a new relationship is about embracing the complexities while staying grounded in authenticity. It is about choosing to show up fully, even when things feel uncertain, and allowing myself to experience the kind of connection I spent so many years longing for.
Reflecting on My Own Dad
As I reflect on my journey as a father, I also find myself thinking about my own dad. I am fortunate that he is still here, and Father's Day brings a chance to honour him and the role he has played in my life.
Our relationship, like many between fathers and sons, has had its complexities. We come from different generations, with different understandings of what it means to be a man, to be strong, and to be vulnerable. Over the years, I have come to appreciate the ways he has shaped me — his resilience, his work ethic, and his quiet acts of love.
This Father’s Day, I want to wish him a heartfelt Happy Father’s Day and thank him for being part of my journey. I hope he knows how much I value the foundation he gave me and how his influence continues to guide the father I strive to be for my own children.
Father’s Day, Reimagined
Father’s Day looks different for me now. It is no longer about living up to expectations or hiding parts of myself so I can fit into a role. It's about being thankful for my four kids, my dad, my partner, and my true self.
Coming out did not make me less of a father. It made me a better one. It gave me the courage to model honesty, to create space for open conversations, and to show my children that love is strongest when it begins with self-acceptance.
This Father’s Day, I celebrate the dad I am today and the journey that brought me here. It is not perfect, and it has not been easy, but it is real. And that, I believe, is what matters most.
Shaun
