Toxic Behaviours in Gay Relationships: 21 Patterns to Watch For
In theory, relationships should be a safe place to grow, love, and build a life together. In practice... well, let's be honest: even in the healthiest gay relationships, sometimes things can get a little messy. Or very messy. Or full-blown "What was I thinking?" messy.
We all bring baggage into relationships—our history, our hurts, and yes, sometimes our worst habits. But the good news? Awareness is the first step to changing the story.
Here are 21 toxic things gay men sometimes do in relationships, why they show up, and how we can do better—because being happy and emotionally available is the real couple goal.
1. Comparing our Partners to our Exes
"My ex would have known what I meant..."
Nothing kills intimacy like dragging ghosts into the bedroom. Your current partner isn’t your ex—and that’s a good thing.
Healing Tip: Focus on who you’re with now, not the relationship you're still mentally litigating.
2. Keeping Score
"Well, I cooked three times last week, so you owe me two dinners, a back rub, and a new Netflix subscription."
Relationships aren’t transactional. They're about giving freely, not trading services.
Healing Tip: Communicate needs early instead of mentally tallying resentment.
3. Emotional Withholding
Shutting down, frosting them out, the silent treatment—whatever you call it, it’s emotional blackmail dressed up as 'boundaries'.
Healing Tip: Talk it out before it turns into a full-blown emotional cold gay war.
4. Over-Idealising the Relationship
Thinking your partner is your soulmate after three dates? Planning wedding outfits before knowing their coffee order? We've all been there. But idealisation is just a fancy form of avoidance.
Healing Tip: Let love build slowly. Slow burns last longer.
5. Gaslighting Each Other
Minimising your partner’s feelings or experiences ("You're too sensitive!") is toxic and erodes trust.
Healing Tip: Validate feelings—even if you don't fully understand them.
6. Prioritising Physical Attraction Over Emotional Connection
Six-pack abs are great. But emotional immaturity wrapped in a perfect body is still emotional immaturity.
Healing Tip: Ask yourself, "Would I love this person if they lost their 6-pack?" If yes, you're on the right track.
7. Ignoring Red Flags
"He’s jealous, drinks too much, and once threw my plant out the window, but he’s cute!"
Red flags don’t turn into green lights with time.
Healing Tip: Listen to your gut. And save your favourite plants!
8. Weaponising Sex
Using sex as a reward—or withholding it as punishment—turns intimacy into a power struggle.
Healing Tip: Talk openly about emotional needs, sexual desires, and when you're simply not feeling it.
9. Playing Mind Games
Being ‘hard to get’ isn't endearing as a gay man. It's exhausting. Clear is kind. Games are... not.
Healing Tip: Vulnerability wins. Every time.
10. Clinging to Independence as a Shield
It’s healthy to have your own life. It's toxic to weaponise "I'm independent" to avoid intimacy.
Healing Tip: Independence and intimacy can co-exist. We promise.
11. Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Dreading "the talk" so much that issues fester and escalate into resentment? Classic.
Healing Tip: Rip the Band-Aid off. Painful honesty now saves heartbreak later.
12. Expecting a Partner to ‘Fix’ You
You are responsible for your healing, not your partner. They're not your therapist.
Healing Tip: Therapy is sexy. Go get it now.
13. Over-relying on Substances Together
If every date night involves alcohol, poppers, or party favours, you’re connecting through chemicals—not reality.
Healing Tip: Find sober ways to bond, too.
14. Putting Friends Above the Relationship (or the Other Way Around)
Balance matters. Your partner shouldn't feel inferior to your "chosen family", but you also shouldn't disappear into coupledom.
Healing Tip: Protect your relationships—with friends and your partner.
15. Fearing Vulnerability
Vulnerability is often painted as weakness—especially in gay male culture, where strength is often prized. But stonewalling or "being the strong one" can create distance.
Healing Tip: Let yourself be seen. This is crucial even in the face of fear.
16. Getting Caught Up in Roles
Who's the "man", and who's the "woman"? Who’s the "top", and who’s the "bottom"?
If your relationship is based solely on rigid roles, you might be missing emotional depth.
Healing Tip: Ditch outdated dynamics. Create your own rules.
17. Neglecting Emotional Maintenance
Sometimes, we prioritise car maintenance more than emotional maintenance. (You change your oil every 10,000 km—when was your last emotional check-in?)
Healing Tip: Schedule regular relationship check-ins.
18. Jealousy Running Wild
A little jealousy is natural. Unchecked jealousy becomes possessive and controlling—and nobody looks sexy sending 37 angry texts at 2am.
Healing Tip: Trust is earned and given. Name and talk to your partner about your insecurities; don't act them out.
19. Losing Your Own Identity
When you can’t remember the last time you did anything alone, it’s a red flag.
Healing Tip: Have solo hobbies. Missing each other is healthy.
20. Expecting Perfection
There’s no such thing as a perfect partner—only imperfect people trying to love each other well.
Healing Tip: Progress over perfection, every time.
21. Not Doing the Inner Work
If your relationship is the only place you're learning about yourself, it’s time to widen your growth net.
Healing Tip: Inner work is an act of love—for yourself and your partner.
Growing Beyond the Toxic
Being in a gay relationship comes with unique joys and pressures—family expectations, societal invisibility, body image issues, internalised homophobia—and the list goes on. It's no wonder toxic patterns can sneak in when we're trying to protect ourselves.
But here's the real deal: noticing these patterns, owning them, and choosing a different path.That's the kind of relationship goal that actually matters.
Healthy gay relationships aren't built on perfection. They're built on honesty, repair, humour, growth—and maybe, just maybe, the occasional cheeky brunch to apologise for the whole emotional cold war thing.
You're human. You're learning. And that's already pretty damn impressive.
At Bent Couch Counselling, we’re here to walk beside men when talking about the toxic patterns in relationships.
Ready to talk? Book a free Discovery Call and let’s take that first step together.
Shaun
