What I Wish I Knew: A Brave Letter to My Younger Self
If I could sit beside the boy I used to be, I would not try to change him. I would not ask him to be braver or more sure of himself. I would not rush him into answers he was not ready for. I would simply say this:
"I see you."
I see you, trying your best to belong.
I see you laughing loudly to cover the uncertainty.
I see you noticing that something about you feels different but not yet having the words to name it.
I see you becoming what others need, even if it means letting go of who you truly are.
And I need you to hear this, as clearly as I can say it:
You were never broken.
Growing Up Gay Without the Language for It
Back then, the world was full of expectations that did not quite fit. I did everything I was meant to, including getting good grades, being kind, and keeping the peace. But underneath it all was a quiet ache. I did not know I was gay. I just knew I was different. And in those years, that difference often felt like a flaw.
This is something many gay and queer men who come out later in life understand. The questions arrive long before the language. The feelings come before the courage. We spend years performing safety and success, often while carrying deep confusion and shame.
If this is your story too, I want you to know you are not alone.
You Were Not Too Much
There is something tender about the boys we were, the way we felt deeply, the way we noticed everything, and the way we cared so hard. But often, the world told us we were too much. Too emotional. Too sensitive. Too dramatic. Too different.
But here is what I know now, after years of working with other men through online and in-person counselling for gay men in Australia: that sensitivity was never the problem. It was your guide.
And yet, like so many others, you probably learnt to hide it. To make yourself smaller. To try to fit into spaces that never truly made room for you.
But one day, you will stop hiding. One day, you will begin to let yourself be seen. And it will change everything.
The Shame Was Never Yours
Shame is heavy. And when it starts early, it lingers. Many of us grow up believing that if we show our real selves, we will be rejected or hurt. So we hide. We become what people want us to be. We push down our truth.
But let me tell you, the shame was never yours to carry.
It came from systems, expectations, and generations of silence. It came from a world that did not know how to hold differences with care.
You do not have to carry that shame anymore.
You are allowed to let it go.
You are allowed to live freely.
Coming Out Later in Life Does Not Ruin You
My own coming out happened later in life. I had a wife. Children. I had constructed an entire life based on my beliefs about who I was supposed to be. And when I finally admitted the truth, it felt like the world I had built was falling apart.
But here is the thing I want to say to any man wondering if it is too late to live honestly:
Coming out does not ruin your life; it rebuilds it.
It might be messy. You might lose things that mattered. But you will gain something far more important: yourself.
Through my work at Bent Couch Counselling, I have seen how powerful it is when men give themselves permission to be who they truly are. Especially those who are navigating coming out later in life as a gay man. There is grief, yes. But also growth. There is pain, but also possibility.
You Are Allowed to Take Up Space
This might be the most important thing I have learnt:
You are allowed to take up space.
You do not need to shrink to be accepted.
You do not need to overachieve to be loved.
You do not need to hide to be safe.
You matter, exactly as you are.
Even when you feel invisible.
Especially then.
“You do not need to be less so others can be more. You are not too much; you are exactly enough.”
Let that sink in. Then read it again if you need to. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to be proud. You are allowed to love yourself fully, even the parts that once felt unworthy.
You Become Someone Brave
Today, I am the man that boy grew into. I am a man who continues to experience profound emotions. I am someone who understands the pain of carrying shame and gradually shedding it. I aspire to create a space for others, just as I once yearned for someone to do the same for me.
And now, through LGBTQIA+ inclusive therapy for men, I sit with other gay, bi, and queer men who are working through their own stories. Stories of identity, shame, loneliness, and the deep longing to feel seen. I see in them the same strength I now see in myself.
So to my younger self and to anyone who still hears that younger voice inside them:
You become someone brave. You become someone kind. And you become someone proud.
You are not just surviving—you are becoming.
You Are Not Alone. You Never Were.
If you are reading this and recognising parts of your own journey, I want to say this to you from one gay man to another:
You are not alone.
Whether you are questioning your identity, navigating mental health challenges, or just tired of trying to fit in where you do not feel at home, please know—there is space for you here.
Looking for Support?
At Bent Couch Counselling, we offer:
Online counselling for gay, bi, and queer men across Australia
Free peer support groups that allow you to connect with others who understand your journey
Specialised mental health support for gay men dealing with identity, shame, relationships, and burnout
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You deserve to feel seen.
You deserve to take up space.
You deserve to heal.
